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Turn That Frown Upside Down!
Yeah. It's Tuesday and the holiday weekend is over. You're having a bit of a hard time adjusting. Maybe it's the fluorescent overhead lighting at work, maybe it's the shakes from Vodka Lemonade withdrawal. Maybe it's the fact that you didn't have internet access for the past four days or maybe it's just that Kimberly is on vacation for the entire week and the pressure to be funny all by yourself is starting to get to you.
I'm speaking hypothetically, of course.
Regardless, in these tough times don't we all need a little pick me-up? A cheerful reminder of brighter days? Gentle Readers, I can only say one thing.
SEND IN THE CLOWNS!
This "Happy Face Clown" is actually a placemat. Hee! How clever is that? He also doubles as a learning tool for bad little boys and girls.
Aren't these little guys just darling? So cute you barely even notice their webbed toes and fingers. Sweetie, don't stare. It's impolite.
It's a clown!
It's a chicken!
It's....it's...we don't know what the hell it is!
How whimsical is THAT?
Aw, your friend had a baby! Time to whip up a little Clown for the blessed victim. I mean, child. Blessed Child.
It's an item sure to please any mom who is visually impaired!
Perhaps you are on a diet and need help avoiding the cookie jar. Would you DARE to stick your poor defenseless paw in this cookie jar? We didn't think so...
Not so much with all the bright colors and cheery grins? Depressed Primitive Clown Head On A Stick could be right for YOU!
Aw, your friend had a baby again! Don't they know there's something they can do to prevent that?
Oh well! Another baby, another clown! Mom will love reaching into Nursery Time Clown's crotch to pull out necessities for her special little lamb!
WAIT A MINUTE! How did she get in here???
You know what happens to bad little clowns, don't you? No? You don't?
They become relegated to the top of toilet tanks, doomed to spend their final days concealing rolls of toilet tissue.
Breaks your heart in two, don't it?
"We just don't understand it. Timmy played with his new toss game for about three minutes and now he won't stop crying."
Oh for crissakes, that so-called friend of yours is pregnant AGAIN! What is she trying for, a world record? Okay, clowns. Let's think. What can we make?
A complete Clown Nursery Set. HAH! That oughta keep her legs together for a couple of months.
And finally, do not leave ANYONE alone in a room with Clarence. You remember what happened last time.....
Posted by Mary on May 31, 2005 | Permalink
Comments
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OMG! Just how much spare time would someone need to waste it on these clowns???
Posted by: Conchita | May 31, 2005 4:17:52 PM
OK, now I'm scared!! Look at the very first picture of the big head clown, look at the little bald clown in the lower right-hand corner. Is he smokin a doobie? I think so!! In fact, I think I need to go smoke a big one right now to get over the whole clown revulsion. Kudo's for putting in the skanky Barbie-wannabe, truly scared the shiat outta me.
Posted by: toiletpaper | May 31, 2005 5:06:18 PM
Oh, God, no. I have always been scared of clowns, this just confirms that I am RIGHT to be wary of the painted little monstrosities that pass for cheerfulness. Argh! Nightmares tonight! Must... drink... vodka... to... delete... clown... images...
Posted by: Lili | May 31, 2005 5:26:05 PM
How do you find all this stuff, my goodness, your blog keeps me laughin daily.
Posted by: Rebekah | May 31, 2005 5:42:18 PM
Good Lord, Mary. Why do you hate my eyes so much? Why must you sear these images onto my eyeballs while simultaneously giving me nightmares so I can't sleep? My mind is now filled with Clown-Evil, and you'd better watch out when you guys have a baby, because your little one will most definitely need several of these handmade demons.
Posted by: melissa | May 31, 2005 7:01:04 PM
Hilarious! I like your blog. Keeps me laughin'
Posted by: DeAnn | May 31, 2005 7:42:09 PM
I thought I was a strong, mature woman.
So why am I shaking and weeping in the corner? Please, Mommy, make the scary clowns go away.....Pleeeeeeease......
Posted by: Elaine | May 31, 2005 8:43:07 PM
I want to know who ever thought that this thing was cute or even mildly appealing. Who?
Posted by: Colleen | May 31, 2005 8:59:22 PM
Did anyone else notice that the clown placemat's hair is made of fing...eer, I mean, balloons? Ack!
Posted by: ferretnose | May 31, 2005 10:55:24 PM
No wonder most kids are scared of clowns. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to cry myself!
Posted by: Kelly | May 31, 2005 11:06:52 PM
Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.
Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.
Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.
Posted by: jac | Jun 1, 2005 5:43:21 AM
Thank you for such a laughing start to my day!
Posted by: Carolyn F | Jun 1, 2005 7:22:24 AM
I've just heard that my ex-boyfriend has recently become a dad - I think I'll make one of those nursery things for the little sprog...MMMWWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Posted by: elljay | Jun 1, 2005 9:58:53 AM
You just reminded me why I don't like clowns. I've always thought they looked evil and now I have proof. hehe My favorite pic is the one of the clown basket. Maybe it is my brain begging for sleep but the position of the baby bottle made me break out laughing like a loon. :P
Posted by: Becky | Jun 1, 2005 10:39:18 AM
One more "Makes Me Embarrassed To Be A Fiber Artist" moment.
Posted by: Nadia | Jun 1, 2005 11:00:17 AM
I think my favorite (if we can use that word loosely for a moment) is Depressed Primitive Clown Head on a Stick. And I want to say that there is something twisted about using a clown crotch to hold baby supplies.
Posted by: Emma Goldman | Jun 1, 2005 12:33:50 PM
These clowns are what would result from cross breeding the clown in IT with a Chuckie Doll. You're truly evil.
Posted by: Pam | Jun 1, 2005 1:14:10 PM
Where the hell were these when I was babysitting those little monsters?
Posted by: Maya | Jun 1, 2005 3:47:57 PM
I feel cheated my tolet roll cover was a poodle. KREEPY I loved my mom but I think she would have made one of these. need I say again KREEPY
Posted by: Fern | Jun 2, 2005 9:20:25 PM
Aw, and I was going to start asking my friends to knit me things for my baby-on-the-way! You ruined it! But, I'd bet yarn is pretty when it's melting...
Posted by: kate | Jun 3, 2005 5:08:09 PM
As scary as these clowns are--my mom had the demented cat clock with the large eyes that moved from side to side trying to spear you with the evil eye.
Posted by: Raquel | Jun 6, 2005 4:44:07 PM
There's something funny going on with the toilet tank clown's digits. He completely lacks opposable thumbs and seems to have 5 big toes on each foot. How could you do a #2 knowing that things got your back?
Posted by: jama | Jun 10, 2005 10:11:32 PM
I am horrified, but I CAN'T STOP LOOKING! Argh.
Posted by: heide | Jun 13, 2005 4:00:03 PM
oh god. i just read "It" by Stephen King. Hugbugblahhahablahhaa...oh whatever sound shudders make....er.....haha
scariest one=depressed primitive clown head on a stick. i wouldnt even know that was suppsed to be a clown, unless it was under a section specifically for clowns. thot it was some type of...movie prop or something....
no, on the other hand, clarence the clown's eyes seem to be emanating at me...
Posted by: blah | Jun 17, 2005 1:27:49 PM
The Happy Face Clown isn't just a perky placemat - it's early Safe Sex education. While those floppy rubber things look like balloons, they're actually cheerfully colored condoms.
Posted by: Cindy | Jun 20, 2005 3:46:31 PM
