Ever since our brief visit to the Future Planet of the Humanzees I have become increasingly convinced that we need to christen a new category of pattern art: Pattern Erotica It seems that some of our much beloved pattern artists and photographers have used their craft to express their...uh...longings. Sure it started off innocently enough....
OK, this is pretty standard lusting after teenagers, Kelly Kapowksi, I can't wait until Mary Kate and Ashley turn 18 kinda stuff. Short shorts and knee socks on girls who clearly like to have a good time. Nuff said.
And then we have these lovely halter gowns...
This has more of a "this one time when I was delivering pizzas, I got this call for a house over on St. Andrews. I rang the doorbell and these three girls answered. They didn't have enough cash for the pizza, so I told them we could work something out" kinda vibe. But I mean, really, when three girls prance around with an "EASY" sign over their heads, who can blame him?
And then there's this:
WHAM! BAM! BOOBIES!! Here we have the "Kitten" pattern. I'm not sure who their target market is, but I'm pretty sure my husband would buy this pattern and he couldn't knit if his baseball card collection depended on it.
From here, things get a little more serious...
It boggles my mind to attempt to fathom how many thousands of teenage boys locked themselves in the bathroom with this particular pattern design which they stole from their mothers' combination sewing machine bench/ pattern storage unit. But, really, after the parents hide all the Sears catalogs, what's a boy to do?
As with any art genre, Pattern Erotica will have its misfits...the misunderstood...the underappreciated:
You know...like the ones into riding crops and women who really like discipline but dislike soiling their hands.
And finally, we have this gem:
I have a vague suspicion that this is supposed to be sexy. There's a sunny blonde with long flowing hair. Her pants are tight, her legs are spread, her expression is intense. But, uh, what's with the starfish? Is she about to fling it at someone, Chinese star style? Is it her beloved (albeit dead) pet? Because God forbid me to question the love between a woman and a starfish.
So, for those of you who can't afford erotic materials or those of you who can't conceal such materials from your grandmother whom you are living with for a short time until you can "get back on your feet," now you know that there is a whole new suggestive world of pattern art awaiting you!