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Someone Get Me Some Special K. STAT!
Oh, God. Is that an inch? It is. I have just piched an inch. I can't believe this is happening to me. What the hell am I going to do now? My life is over. Over, I tell you! I mean I always knew I could get fat. After all, big sissy is a bit of a chunko. But I never thought it would be so soon. And the timing couldn't be worse. Just when I was getting Susie Dillworth to notice me. I mean, I can wear long pants to day care, but let's face it: eventually I'll need a diaper change and...OH! Just imagine Susie's face when she sees this giant lard knee. I'm finished. Ruined. I'll be stuck over in the zoo puzzle section with the rest of the losers who can't get a date. This is absolutely the worst day of my life. What I don't get is how it happened. I mean, sure, I may have had one or two extra teddy grahams this month. But is that enough to distort my body in such a grotesque manner?
OK. Let's think about this. Think. What did I do last month?
Playdates? No.
Activity walker? No.
Pushing that lawnmower that makes bubbles? No.
Oh, yes. I remember....
Crap!
Damn Aunt Margaret and her freakin' handcrafted, cozy, cellulite encouraging gifts.
Posted by Kimberly on January 11, 2006 | Permalink
Comments
here we see the prey of the Yarn Spider traped in a web, and yes we see the prey is even encased in a coccoon.
truly one of natures miracles
Posted by: bob | Jan 11, 2006 12:12:01 PM
Baby Bob was beginning to wonder if he parents were his real, biological Mommy and Daddy or if they just picked him out of the Cabbage Patch. That would explain his odd fascination with cabbages. It would also explain why he preferred carrying the leafy green vegetable over the security blankets and teddy bears all of the other kids at the Perky Play Pen Day Care Center and Preschool had.
Posted by: Sputnik | Jan 11, 2006 12:29:05 PM
You have a gift. Thank you for the constant laughs. My stomach hurts, but I've got my own holiday-induced inch to get rid of, so there's that. So.Darn.Funny!!!
Posted by: Karen | Jan 11, 2006 1:37:47 PM
"What are you talking about? Of course this knitted outfit is PERFECT for the Cabbage Patch Kid auditions!"
Posted by: Stacie | Jan 11, 2006 1:40:43 PM
Of course he's in a cabbage patch, he's wearing a romper knitted from butternut squash.
Posted by: SageHen | Jan 11, 2006 2:03:39 PM
If his damn Aunt Margaret would have laid off the booze, she could have made him the Charlie Brown sweater. But, NOOOO! she put straight lines on his sleeve instead. Damn Aunt Margaret anyhow!
Posted by: toiletpaper | Jan 11, 2006 2:12:37 PM
aw, an outfit that is the same colour as the stuff inside the nappies..............
Posted by: d34dpup | Jan 11, 2006 2:26:46 PM
He should be more concerned about that spare tire he's working on than his fat knees.
You're never too young to develop a socially crippling negative body image. It's all downhill from here, kiddo, and you never even learned to tie your shoes.
Posted by: Marcia | Jan 11, 2006 2:30:02 PM
All I can think is that that is someone's child they have demeaned thusly.
Posted by: Fraulein N | Jan 11, 2006 4:26:48 PM
If his damn Aunt Margaret would have laid off the booze, she could have made him a sweater with matching arms. He only gets striping on one arm? What is that all about? Now the kids are really gonna make fun of him. Chubby and mismatched. geesh
Posted by: | Jan 11, 2006 4:50:03 PM
GO STEELERS!!!
Posted by: Cheryl | Jan 11, 2006 10:41:49 PM
I'm more concerned about how they got that tight little neck over that big round head. No wonder his hair standing up, and his eyes are a little popped.
And is there a graceful way to remove oneself from a hammock? Poor tyke probably thinks he'll be in there FOR EV ERRRRR...
Posted by: Yorkie | Jan 12, 2006 3:57:48 AM
Hehahee, love it, and rofl @ bob's comment :)
Posted by: Harmony | Jan 12, 2006 7:11:34 AM
that must be one heck of a dump that kid is taking in the hammock! Hope the yarn can hold up to the pressure...
If you will check, the kid with bad hair & the cabbage has stripes on his right arm. Whereas the kid with no legs in the hammock has stripes on his LEFT arm. We are obviously dealing with two kids here. Or perhaps there was a third kid who never was shown?
Posted by: Kathryn | Jan 12, 2006 6:18:47 PM
Okay, I am extremely offended by this. I do not think it is cute or funny to exploit today's youth with comparisons to America's overabundance of obese people. i am in fact, in the numbers of overweight Americans, registering at 350 pounds completely naked this morning! Thats .8 pounds lost so far on my new diet! Try it! Its call the stop making fun of people as if it is some type of formidible pastime of yours jerks! Have a nice day, may you all meet your makers soon.
Posted by: Troy | Jan 12, 2006 10:38:31 PM
Holy crap! If I was poor Baby Bob I wouldn't be as concerned about the chubbs as I would that prematurely gray and balding hair. I mean really, that hairline is a serious turn off to the chicks.
Posted by: KIm | Jan 12, 2006 10:58:11 PM
Oh my gosh!!!! The model of this ensemble here has revealed himself, in comment form! Clearly, it was Troy, who never forgave his boozer aunt Margaret for knitting him so many sweaters with lines on all the wrong sleeves.
(ASIDE) Troy, wishing death on people is so totally not cool.
Posted by: Regina | Jan 13, 2006 12:51:02 AM
Troy, you missed the point. This is a tongue-in-cheek send-up of our weight obsessed culture. Kimberly, I've noticed, is a master of subtle humor. If you take her too literally, you'll miss the point every time.
Posted by: Ms. Grammar | Jan 13, 2006 8:56:55 AM
Hilarious...you guys are too funny. And congrats on the book!
Posted by: Noelle | Jan 13, 2006 9:11:45 AM
Troy--Get over yourself. The post is about the way our culture is weight obsessed. I've grown up in the same culture you have, where the average size of women on TV is a size 2, while the average American wonam is actually a size 12 (which I havent worn since jr. high). I've been told by the media that because of how I look, I must be stupid, lazy, a slob, unhealthy, and would never find someone to love me. All of which is bull. I'm highly intelligent (I loved to blow the grading curve in college), I love to go dancing, my health is fine, thank you, and I married a wonderful man almost 6 years ago. And all while weighing well over 200 lb. If I can see the humor in this, why can't you?
Posted by: Cathy | Jan 13, 2006 10:04:47 AM
LOL! That's the funniest one I've seen in months!
Posted by: Julie | Jan 13, 2006 10:25:39 AM
Ah, oversensitivity to subtle humour...one of the major food groups of the internet.
Posted by: Yorkie | Jan 13, 2006 3:15:57 PM
a pox on u troy! geeze that .8 ya lost musta been ur sense of humour!
Posted by: d34dpuppy | Jan 13, 2006 5:31:36 PM
And the thread and comments continue to amuse me.
Posted by: SageHen | Jan 13, 2006 6:05:53 PM
Sheesh Troy! This is all in fun. A break from everyday stressful life. Nobody means any harm. Enjoy! Life is too short!
Posted by: Annie from Maine | Jan 13, 2006 6:08:58 PM
i'm itching all over just looking at it. tight and woolly at the pink bits just is not safe. this makes my butt itch just looking at it. makes me want to toss the boy in the washer to felt him up nice.
Posted by: IHateToast | Jan 13, 2006 6:09:54 PM
oops... "niceLY." i'm modifying the verb felting. please excuse my poor grammar.
see, i was having sympathy butt scratches and didn't think properly.
Posted by: ihateToast | Jan 13, 2006 6:11:42 PM
I thought Comic Book Guy's real name was Jeff Albertson--not Troy.
Posted by: dimestore lipstick | Jan 14, 2006 10:33:44 AM
Good point, IHateToast, except felting would also *shrink* the garment further - poor kid would never escape, unless he busted out like the Hulk. Too bad ol' Auntie Marge didn't have any green yarn...
Posted by: Squidgy Wombat | Jan 15, 2006 9:54:10 AM
I can't look at that kid in the hammock. If he doesn't hold perfectly still, the thing's going to flip him over and he'll land face-first on the ground. Hope it's not too far away. No wonder he looks petrified.
Posted by: River Falls | Jan 16, 2006 3:12:40 PM
This has to be the best one yet. My hubby is wondering why I'm running to the loo. It's your fault making me laugh so much. A pox on old age LOL.
Posted by: Vanda | Jan 16, 2006 7:02:50 PM
Troy - From one fatso to another: Shut up and have some cake!
Posted by: Angel H. | Jan 25, 2006 4:14:18 PM
Oh man, I would totally make the shorts and the hammock. But not in those awful colors.
(I'm serious here, I want that pattern! Hook me up with some details please? I came out of lurkdom for this...)
Posted by: Lystessa | Jul 6, 2006 3:40:35 PM
GO HUFFLEPUFF.
Right then.
Poor baby Bob wished his sister had never picked up the sticks. She had been trying to make him all these new gifts. It didn't help she was pretty much stuffing cakes and cookies down his gullet like no tomorrow. But no, she had knit him these horrible sweaters and socks in her crazed harry Potter fanaticism, mumbling something crazily about supporting Hufflepuff. Then she had crocheted him that damnable hammock! It didn't help that it wasn't the same house. The hammock was Gryffindor, for f**k's sake!
Oh, he knew that his sister had made that sweater for herself. But she obviously had no concept of gauge, so it didn't fit her. That's the only reason he got those stupid socks, sweater, shorts, the other sweater, even that stinkin' hammock.
If only his sister wasn't such a geek!
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