Threadbared

Bizarre Model Poses: A Threadbared Field Guide.

The "Menstrual Cramp"

The "Discreet Armpit Sniff Test"

The "Hey, What's That Over There?"

The "Why Yes, I Do Practice Yoga"

The "Ambiguous Sexual Orientation"

The "Waiting For The Mothership"

The "Oh No, Did I Forgot To Turn Off The Iron?" 

The "Bad News Coach...I Think I Pulled My Quadricep"

The "Oh My God, I Am Never Drinking Tequila Again"

Night Of The Flying Ponchos.

Hey Man, Anything You Can Wear I Can Wear Better. Like, I Can Wear Ponchos Much Better Than You.

In 1946 the smash hit musical Annie Get Your Gun opened on Broadway. Loosely based on the life of sharpshooter Annie Oakley, the show featured music and lyrics by Irving Berlin. The production opened on May 16, 1946 and ran through February 12, 1949, with a total of 1,147 performances.

In 1969 a new production opened off Broadway. Loosely based on the life of some freak chick named Ann, Annie Get Your Poncho featured "far out" music and lyrics by Jefferson Airplane. This mescaline-fueled production opened on May 17, 1969 and closed sometime around 3:00 pm on May 17, 1969, with a total of one performance.

Brenda's Friends Can't Help But Feel Intimidated Sometimes.

"Goodness! That Brenda sure is on the ball. I can barely leave the house with my shoes and handbag matching and here she's gone and coordinated her whole living room with the outfit she has on."

"I know! And she does it all with such effortless ease too!"

"Effortless ease - that's exactly what I was thinking! Now do you see why I never invite Brenda over for coffee at my house?"

And The Award For Best Art Directing In A Knitwear Catalog Goes To....

Pauline Denham.

Yes, her again. The Pauline Denham of Little Tops Fame.

Time after time Pauline continues to impress us with her choice of hairstyles, makeup, posing and most importantly...props. Oh, and themes too. Like me, Pauline is a gal who enjoys her themes.

Can you spot the theme of this booklet from the cover?

Take your eyes off the model's Cinnabon-inspired hairdo for a second and look down at the bottom left corner. "Fairy Tale Book."

Oh dear.

Ta-daaaaa!

It's your fairy godsomething!

"I get three wishes? Well, first I'd like to pose beside a large fake pumpkin while wearing a mohair suit...."

I think there's supposed to be something about the Three Little Bears here but the model is totally not having it.

Oh look! It's...Little Green Riding...no, that's not it.

It's...it's..Robin Hood?

The Green Lantern?

I'm so confused right now.

Is there some fairy tale I'm not remembering? About a woman who fell deeply in love with a tree branch and lived happily ever after?

Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your...knitted coat with the enormously oversized buttons!

Once upon a time in a land far far away...Dr. Zaius chose a very special pattern model to help lead the revolution.

"And then one day the ugly rubber duckling turned into a beautiful latex swan....awww."

The End.

And I'm Putting That Derringer Toilet Paper Holder on My Christmas List

Got troublesome possums in your tater patch?  Does your Uncle Marvin show up univited to family dinners and get all handsy?  Does that little skank from down the road keep showing up and demanding her tupperware back?

Then what you need is a way to protect yourself.

But let me ask you this:  Do you also believe in the importance of an appropriately lit room? Do you have trouble reading without direct light? 

Then what you need, my friend, is a Rifle Lamp.  That's right.  A Rifle Lamp.  Combining the beauty of subtle illumination with the ability to blow a hole in Uncle Marvin's sorry behind, the Rifle Lamp is truly an asset to any modern home*.

And be sure to store it near the fireplace.  Ammunition and open flame always make for an exciting combination!

*Rifle Lamp can also be used as a backdrop for stiff, awkward seduction poses.

If Nautical Nonsense Be Something You Wish...PAUL-INE DEN-HAM!

Ahoy mateys!  What's that you say? You scurvy rats be craving more from The Big Book of Little Tops?

We are happy to grant that wish!

Here we have the back cover, which is not nearly as good as the front cover. Sure, she's leaning waaaay back which is sort of funny but not really funny. There's only so much we can say about a tilting sweater model. What this back cover really needs is a good hat. Or a bad hat.

Yes! It is so much better, am I right?

Of course the nautical nonsense doesn't end here. Let's take a peek at some of the little tops inside The Big Book Of Little Tops.

Hiya sailor. As you can tell by the desperation in my eyes I've been on this beach for such a long, long time. Just me with my knitted Little Top and some blond kid in an even Littler Top that matches my own. No, I don't know whose kid this is. Look at her, she's sure as hell not mine. She just keeps following me around and patting my shoulder and I don't have a blanket to sit on and there's all this sand that's gone up my shorts and frankly honey, I don't care if you do have scurvy. You're looking pretty damn good to me.

Of course, not every girl goes for these sailor types.

Some lusty ladies prefer to go one step further.

Just add a dab of cheap rum behind those ears and the Cap'n will be all too happy to show you his peg leg, if you know what we mean....

There's really not a lot to say about this Little Top except that I hear "Brick House" playing in my mind every time I look at it.

The lady's stacked and that's a fact, ain't holding nothing back...

Ah yes, The Albatross. Because frankly, nobody wants this thing hanging around their neck.

This one is called "Conch" because it's a little knitted shell top. Like a conch shell! Oh, that Pauline Denham...what a witty broad. Truly a woman after our own hearts.

Personally though, I think old Pauline missed out on a golden opportunity. I know something that would make this little ensemble even better...adding a little pizazz, a little va-va-voom....

Ah. Much better...

As a Bonus It Also Conceals That Hickey I Got From The Water Heater Guy

OK...so I have to go to this fancy pants party for my friend who is this amazing artist.  He draws ships.  He's like totally hitting the big time.  Last summer he did jobs for THREE Red Lobsters in Birmingham.  And I think he could really go global...like Joe's Crab Shack even, but he has some issues.  Like in July he got caught with a trunk full of Sudafed and the cops thought he was gonna make meth or something, but it turns out that he just has really bad sinus infections...you know the kind where the snot changes over from clear to this greenish-yellow color that looks just like that stuff that used to fall on Alister whenever he said "I don't know."  Anyway, the cops didn't believe him and he had to go to juvie.  I mean, he's 19, but the psychologist says he has the brain of a nine year old.  And not the nine year olds that play xbox and research their social science projects online.  More like the ones that eat their own boogers and chase the dog's tail. 

Anyway, I have to go to this party and I need a hat that will cover my whole head because I have scabies from my cousin's ferret...or her boyfriend.  I'm not sure.  But I don't want to detract from the see-through sweater that I bought to show off my dirty pillows.  So I was thinking of something casual and subtle.  A hat that says "I'm beautiful but also completely laid back and not at all superior and certainly not covered in the larvae of thousands of microscopic mites."  So anyway, here's what I came up with...

It's good, right?

With Apologies To The Lovin' Spoonful.

Hot town, summer in the city
Taco salad shell on my head, thought it looked pretty
Been down, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a mirror in the city

All around, people looking goofy
Why'd I put this on, did someone slip me a roofie

But at night anything flies
Put on pants with a 16-inch rise
Come-on come-on and stare at the sky
Despite the heat just give it a try

And babe, we can't always be witty
But we try, with this dumb little ditty
In the summer, in the city
In the summer, in the city....

The Walker Sisters Never Were Known For Their Enthusiasm.

"Finally Sister, our wedding day has arrived."

"Yes. It is our wedding day."

"And we will have our double wedding to the McFarland twins."

"Yes. The McFarland twins."

"What lucky girls are we."

"Yes. Indeed we are lucky."

"I am practically vibrating with excitement."

"I too am aquiver with ebullience."

"We are fortunate to have found the McFarland twins."

"Yes. It was serendipitous to have met them outside the Gas 'N Sip."

"Indeed it was."

"Indeed."

"We were also quite lucky to have found a tailor willing to make wedding gowns to fit our nine foot tall frames."

"Yes."