Threadbared

Ode To Spring: A Haiku.

Spring! I dance for thee.
My skirt! With so many holes.
Panties! A good thing.

A Public Service Announcement From Threadbared.com

Meet Sharon.

Sharon has a problem.

Can you guess what Sharon's problem is?

For many people, accessories are a fun way to jazz up an otherwise plain outfit. A stylish belt to go with one's pants, a pretty handbag to wear with one's dress. It's all in good fun. For others, however, accessories take on an entirely different meaning. They can become as destructive as any other addiction and result in an embarrassing nightmare for the accessorizer and their family. This is referred to as compulsive accessorizing.

Compulsive accessorizing is defined as "excessive" and "out of control." As with other addictions, the accessory addict continues to pile on accessories in the face of adverse consequences. Sometimes referred to as "accessorholizm," compulsive accessorizers can create massive financial, marital and family problems. The addiction can also result in numerous fashion faux pas.

Behaviors That May Indicate A Problem:

• Accessorizing as a result of feeling angry, depressed, anxious, or lonely.

• Having arguments with others about one's accessorizing habits.

• Feeling lost without accessories - actually going into withdrawal without jewelry, bags, belts and shoes.

• Describing a rush or a feeling of euphoria with accessorizing.

• Feeling guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed after an accessorizing spree.

• Thinking obsessively about earrings or brooches.

• Lying about how many accessories one has on. For instance, owning up to wearing four belts but lying about six additional belts worn under the clothes.

For those of you who have identified with three or more of the above, there may be a problem. Take a moment and count the number of belts you are currently wearing. Now check the number of shoes you have on.

If you feel that, like Sharon, you may have an accessorizing problem we at Threadbared are here to help. Please send any extraneous jewelry, designer handbags, cute shoes and/or belts to Mary & Kimberly  c/o Threadbared.com in Atlanta, Georgia.

Come Sail Away With Meeeeeeee!*

I'm sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board, I'm the captain, in my crocheted jerkin
My fashion ensemble, it needs some reworkin'
And I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of crocheted vests and the times we've had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow no one else seems...to like my clothes
But we'll try best that we can...to caaaaaarry ooooooon!

A gathering of crocheted belts appeared around my torso!
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they bellow!
They said come sail away, come sail away!
Come sail away with me!
Come sail away, come sail away!
Come sail away with me!

*With apologies to Styx.

Everyone At The Country Club Was Starting To Have Second Thoughts About The New Tennis Pro.

"Like wow man, did you ever think about what a tennis ball really means, man? It's like, this cosmic orb, you know? And we just hit it, you know what I mean? Like, why are we being so aggressive towards a hollow yellow ball, man? Is it because we're all hollow inside? Whoah...this is like blowing my mind here.

I mean, we need to get back to nature, man. That's why we're were practicing out here in the field today, you know? Because it's natural. Because we need to be one with our court. We need to be one with the cosmos and one with the tennis ball. Oh man, this is like the grooviest job I've ever had, man..." 

Watch Out Boy She'll Chew You Up....

Suzanne knows that if she remains motionless for a long enough time she will eventually trap her prey. She will quickly enshroud him in her woolen yarns, thus quieting the death struggle. It is then that Suzanne will feed, sucking only the liquids out of her prey, leaving behind such indigestible materials as watches, belts and tube socks.

"...I Will Pick Up The Needles. I Will Knit Something New. Two Things. And I Call Them Thing One And Thing Two."

"These Things will not bite you.
They want to have fun."

Then, out of the box
Came Thing Two and Thing One!

And they ran to us fast.
They said, "Do you like to sniff glue?
Would you like to sniff glue
With Thing One and Thing Two?"

And Kimberly and I
Did not know what to do.
So we had to sniff glue
With Thing One and Thing Two.

And then after that
We had such a hard time
Thinking up words
Words that would rhyme.

So we just took a nap instead.

The End.

Gary Tries to Transition to "Legitimate" Photography

Overheard at a Mon Tricot photo shoot:

"OK.  Gloria, good start with the mouth there.  We can work with that.  But Sharon, what's with the smile?  Not exactly appropriate for a photo shoot, is it?  Could we get a little less Sears Catalog and a little more Barely Legal Babes?"

"Good, Gloria.  Excellent.  The camera loves you.  Now in this shot we want to see Porn Mouth in a rain storm.  Can you do that?'

"What? We don't have a rain machine?  Crap.  OK.  Do we have a ladder and a guy with a watering can?  NO?  Are you serious?  This building doesn't have running water?  Good Lord, I'm going back to Hustler first thing Monday morning."

"OK, Gloria.  Change of plans.  I'm going to need Porn Mouth in a gumball storm.  That's it, darling.  Beautiful!"

 

"Now I need Porn Mouth at a party."

"What?  A fiesta?  Sure.  Whatever.  Yes, there can be a piñata.  Margaritas?  OK.  Whatever. Yes, and those little things you blow on that make noise.  Sure.  Look, who cares?  Just get the mouth magic right, OK, honey?"

"Now, Gloria, babe, in this shot I'm gonna need the Porn Mouth you can't take home to Momma.  You know what I'm talking about!  Perfect, sugar, perfect!"

"OK, we have to finish up this shoot today.  Let's move on to the rest of the models."

 

"Now kids, for this shot I'm going to need Porn Mouths in a blackout.  Got it?"

Ode To Fall.

Sweet November, I will always remember
It was the month that I learned how to knit

And once I knew how
I sat back and said "wow"
Here's a hobby that I won't quit

I create my own designs
With the least-flattering lines

For the clothes I create
Well, they represent hate
That I feel for my supermodel sisters

Because standing beside them
It's impossible to feel femme
Instead I'm a troll...covered with blisters

Sister Sue is a statuesque beauty
But to me, she's just beyond snooty
With her brilliant green eyes
And flowing blond hair
Sue has style and grace to spare

But if I knit her a gift
She'll be a bit miffed
Because she knows our mom
Will make her wear it

Sue hates her hips
Even though they're mere blips
She thinks that they're wide
So with this skirt I tried
To bulk-up
That stuck-up
Sister of mine

It may be a bit lumpy
And no man will want to humpy
But it's about time
Sue felt a little dumpy
(don't you think)

As for Nadine
She looks like string bean
Well, a bean with exotic allure

So I'll swaddle her frame
With sixty pounds of cottony shame
So she'll regret that time
When she called me Slug Slime
In front of my number one crush

A knitted patchwork coat, it's a good plan
Can I help it if it makes Nadine look like the Michelin Man

As for me, I must go
And get on with the show

I've an awful lot of knitting to do....

Ye Merry Olde Threadbarede.

 

Good eve, fair mistress. It is I, Halvdan The Tunic-wearer!

(sigh) How now, Halvdan. Thy tunic is indeed truly wondrous, so pleated and blousen it is.

Pray thee Theresa of Cambridge, hast thou ever seen a Croatian Shirt as pleasing to thy eyes?

N'er.

Forsooth! Perchance thou wouldst enjoy laying thou hand upon my sleeve?

Nay.

Yon chickens do cluck so merrily. Methinks they too find my tunic to be most splendid!

Verily. (rolls eyes)

Ah, pray pardon me for prating on about my wondrous tunic. But enow about me, let us speak of thou. What dost thou think of me?

I said, what dost thou...hark! Hark now! Where...where goest thou, fair maiden? Pray thee, do not scamper away so! I crave your pardon, return! Return!

What? What dost thou say? Thou thinks I art a...what?? Well, fie on thee, poxy harlot! Fie on thee!

Hmph. Why dost I always strike out with all the pretty maidens....

Threadbared: Up To Date On All The Current Fashions.

Linda waits and waits for fall

Her clothes are ready, no need for the mall

This year fashion statements will be a breeze

As soon as the temperature drops below 85 degrees

The money's spent, no turning back

Navajo print...it's the new black.