Threadbared

There's A Reason Why The Word "Macrame" Rhymes With "Scare Away."

Here at Threadbared, we're all for creativity when it comes to macrame. The medium naturally lends itself to artistic expression.

But!

Sometimes things can get a bit out of hand. We're not saying you have to stick with safety projects such as owls and plant-hangers. We just suggest that you exercise caution in your knotting pursuits. You don't want to induce nightmares or frighten schoolchildren, do you? Of course not!

And so we present:  The Threadbared Guide To Macrame Safety!

Tip 1:  Please avoid any High Priestess-style headdresses that resemble something from The Dark Crystal, possibly making you look like the Dying Emperor of the Skeksis.

Tip 2: Please avoid  macrame footwear that looks like a page torn from a "Diseases Of The Skin" medical textbook.

Tip 3:  Please avoid that whole chainmail-clad warrior-slash-beekeeper look. 

Tip 4:  Please avoid any "head veils" that look less like a veil and more like a group of teenage cooties that are on an Outward Bound excursion and are currently rappelling down the back of your head.

Tip 5:  Please avoid any backpacks that look like some Phish-worshiping hippie spontaneously combusted across your shoulders and you just left it there.

Tip 6:  Please avoid any National Geographic/African Village style bras that make you....oh, for God's sake. Do we even have to explain this one?

Just no.

Just don't, okay?

My Hands Are Already Tired and I Haven't Even Gotten to the Fat Pants Section

I'm totally digging this idea of using the magic of needlepoint to clearly define each item of clothing in one's closet.  I mean, sure it could be time consuming to needlepoint a closet full of hangers, but take a look at that hanger at the top.  What do you think hangs on that hanger?  Is it Aunt Betty's bingo skirt?  Is it the whore dress that makes Grandma sweat over her rosary every time Janet wears it to Whiskey River?  Is it Mom's mom jeans?  No, clearly it's Adam's Coat.

This clarity of closet inspired me to work on some hangers for my own stuff. Here's what I have so far:

The Hills Are Alive...With My Knitted Ponchoooooo...

Some days I wish I could have the kind of blind optimism this model seems to posses. The ability to just toss your woes aside and be completely carefree. I'd like to be up on that hilltop, all slaphappy and untroubled...whirling my arms about, my poncho flying in a freewheeling fashion.  I'd like to experience this model's exhilaration...I want to have her joyous view of the world through rose-colored glasses.

Or I'd like to obtain the drugs that she must be on. That would also be nice.

Lose Weight. Stop Smoking. End Relationship With Bland, Anatomically Incorrect Boyfriend Of 46 Years

Hey yall!

It's your old friend Barbie, remember me? It's been so long since I was last featured on Threadbared I thought I'd pop in to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

New Year's is just one of my favorite times, you know? A chance to start all over again, fresh beginnings. While Ken and I were jogging this morning I got to thinking about my plans for 2007. I'm going to be a Whole New Barbie. I mean, I'm a flexible sort of gal. In any given year I change occupations, hobbies, hair color, eye color and even ethnicities at least three dozen times. I can roll with the changes, you know? But this year is going to be different and not just in a "now I'm a redheaded astronaut" sort of way. 2007 is going to be the year that I get my head in order.

And in order to do this, I'll need to make a few New Year's resolutions...

Resolution #1

STOP OBSESSING OVER KEN.

Threadbared readers, do you realize that Ken and I have been dating since 1961? That's right, FORTY-SIX YEARS of dating. I'm starting to think Ken might be a bit of a commitment-phobe. I keep buying wedding dresses but Ken never marries me. It's time to move on.

Resolution #2

Spend more time with my girlfriends, engaging in Winter Fun. Nice, frosty Winter Fun...that'll keep my mind off Ken.

Resolution # 3

Stop dressing to please Ken. There's no point. Last December I spent days creating the perfect fantasy Snow Gown for the 2006 Snow Ball. And did that jerk Ken appreciate my handiwork one bit? No. He kept cracking himself up all night referring to me as "Snow Goon" in front of Midge and Christie and  everybody!

Resolution # 4

Spend more time on my crafting. I really should finish that afghan to go on Grandma's Feather Bed. Because that's what spinsters do, right? Lie under a homemade afghan and cry themselves to sleep, all ALONE in their grandma's old bed?

Resolution # 5

Treat myself to a beautifully-set table each night. Just because I'm DINING SOLO doesn't mean that I have to eat my Lean Cuisine Tuscan Chicken out of the plastic tray while standing in the kitchen.

Resolution # 6

Finally get in touch with my ancestry. Where did I come from anyway? I've always felt envious of other people's cultural roots. I just feel so white bread and...I don't know...plastic in comparison. Even Ken got to celebrate his lineage last fall when he found out he was 1/18th Native American Indian. It's just so unfair.

Resolution # 7

Put more thought into my wardrobe. Even if I'm not dressing to please a man I still need to please myself. I always feel my best when I'm put together in a Snappy Twosome.

Resolution # 8

When summer rolls around this year I'm going to take the time to enjoy Fun In The Sun. I mean, why not? I deserve it! But this year I vow to be mindful of the sun's harmful rays and their potential damage. A girl must preserve her youth after all! Does anyone know how to crochet a bottle of SPF 45?

Resolution # 9

Speaking of Fun In The Sun, I plan to spend more time in general enjoying the great outdoors. Who says a canoe built for two can't work just as well for one?

Resolution # 10

NO MORE WEDDING PARAPHERNALIA. And this time I really mean it. I will purchase no more gowns, no more veils. The wedding cake table and tablecloth are going straight to the Salvation Army. And surely somebody can get good use out of the tuxedo I crocheted for Ken.

Resolution #11

Who am I kidding here? It's only lunchtime on January 2nd and I've already broken half of these resolutions. Who needs resolutions anyway? New Year's is for chumps! We are who we are! Why try to change? Ken, I'll wait another 46 years if I have to! I'll do whatever you want! I can be whatever you want! A blond paleontologist? A brunette professional ice skater? You want a redheaded flight attendant? A pediatrician? A WNBA basketball player? Ken! Come back to me baby! Kenny!!!! Where are you going my loooooooveeeeer?!?! KENNNNNNN!!!!!!

(Edit: Wow. Kimberly and I both apologize for the unprofessional nature of this post. We were under the impression that Barbie had been undergoing extensive amounts of therapy since her last appearance on Threadbared in 2005. She promised us that everything was under control. What can we say? We got lazy and figured she could handle the first post of 2007. We won't be making that mistake again. We do wish all of our readers a happy New Year and hope that this incident will not negatively affect readership in the coming year. Thank you. - Threadbared Management)

Ho Ho No.

Well, it's officially the holiday season now and time for me to dust off my copy of Better Homes and Gardens Holiday Decorations That You Can Make, filled with over 300 projects to give your home that holiday spirit and make your family and friends think they've taken the time tunnel back to 1974.

   

Truth be told, a lot of the projects in the book are pretty dang cute. The stockings pictured above? Adorable. The Christmas slogan banner? Quite cheerful.

The "Tabletop Magic" chapter, well...that's where things start to go a bit off. "Over 300 projects"...that's an awful lot  of projects. Maybe the editors were overreaching a little bit...maybe it would have been better to stop at say, 285 projects....298 projects even.

The Tabletop Angels shown here actually aren't bad and a few sets of googly eyes, well, that would just make all the difference in the world. Isn't everything better with googly eyes? But then, perhaps the Tabletop Angels are Amish?

The Expanded Aluminum Extravaganza seems quite a liberal use of the term "Extravaganza" but sure, whatever. Tonight Only: the Expanded! Aluminum! EXTRAVAGANZA!!! With special guest star, Scotch Plaid Loveseat!

Now here, here is where Better Homes & Gardens starts to lose me.

This? I am sorry but two oven mitts with candles behind them do not a table-topper make. I mean come on, even Kimberly and I could do better than that.

See?

And it wasn't even that hard! Get with the program Better Homes & Gardens...

Of course we've saved the best for last. Yes, here's a really special number uniting kitchen utility objects with religious iconography....it's the Kitchen Grater/Madonna Shrine!

Two things that should never even be used in the same sentence - "Kitchen Grater" and "Madonna." 

Well, unless that sentence is: "So I pulled out my kitchen grater to start fixing the cheese for our enchiladas and that new Madonna song came on the radio. Who is she trying to kid with that pseudo British crap anyway?"

Hide-and-Go-Stink

It had been one week since the annual Thompson Thanksgiving hide-and-seek game and still no one had found Grannie's hiding place.

Behind The Scenes At The "Novelties And Things" Brainstorming Session.

Novelties and Things...well, hmmm. I don't know...it just sounds sort of vague, you know that I mean guys? What else have you got?

Novelties and Stuff? That sounds too...too casual. Yeah, that's the right word. Causal.

Novelties and Junk? That's even worse than "stuff." That almost sounds like it's, you know....a bunch of worthless objects.

What's that? I'm not going to like the next idea then? Nah, come on! Let's give it a shot....go ahead and show me the next concept.

Oh.

Well, that's it...we're just going to have to stick with the first title. "Novelties and Things!" It sounds sort of fun....people like novelties. And...things.

Okay, what's the first item in the booklet?

A whisk cover, eh? Now would this be a novelty or a thing? I'm thinking it's a...novelty? Is that right? What's the next one?

Um...that looks like another novelty? Let's go with "novelty" for this one.

Next!

What the...?

This is in the booklet? Seriously?

Okay, I wasn't so sure about the first two but this? This is definitely a "thing."

Wait Til You See the Love Poem I Wrote on My Thighs With a Sharpie

Wow.  I can't believe tonight is the night.  I mean you hardly even talked to me until rush started last week.  I didn't even think you liked me.  I mean you guys do call me Nancy Tubbypants Notachance.  But I'm crazy about you and we're together now sort of and I just know that tonight will be super special.

OK, so I wait in the common room downstairs, right?  Naked.  Nothing but that hot pink afghan.  Set the scene a little.  Bring whipped cream.  Got it.  Maybe I can bring over a couple of ferns from the Beta Club office.  And I'll curl my hair up really pretty for you.  And you said I should lock my clothes in your room, right, so they'll be safe?  No problem.

I know you guys usually have parties at the house on Saturday nights, but you're totally positive that all of your fraternity brothers are going to the Vortex for drinks after the game and not back to the fraternity house?  I mean, I know the flyers around campus say something about Shame Night, but you said plans had changed, right?

OK.  Awesome.  See you tonight, Tiger.

Ah, poodle novelties! Why have your toilet paper roll, teapot or seltzer bottle out in plain sight when they can be oh-so-cleverly disguised as overstuffed poodles?

Speaking of overstuffed, is anyone else reminded of Mr. Creosote from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life?  This poor fella looks like he's ready to explode.

...And finally, Monsieur Poodle Novelty Who Is Cleverly Disguising A Teapot, we have a waaafer thin tea-bag for you.

Mr. Poodle Novelty:  No.

Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin tea-bag.

Mr. Poodle Novelty:  No. F*ck off - I'm full... (belches)

Oh sir... but it is only waaafer thin.

Mr. Poodle Novelty: Look - I couldn't hold another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed with tea-bags. Bugger off.

Oh sir, just... just one...

Mr. Poodle Novelty: Oh, all right. Just the one.

And I think we all know what happens. Next thing you know, you're wiping down the Darjeeling-soaked walls of your kitchen and picking up shards of teapot and lumps of wool.

He Sees You When You're Peeing. He Knows When You're Stopped Up.

Too often our bathrooms are places shrouded in mystery.  Places of potties and puzzlement, they offer many questions, but no answers.  Well, fret no more little shower time truth seekers.  Sam the Super Sleuth is here.  100% detective all the way to his lovingly crocheted core, Sam will perch upon his tank-top post in a state of constant vigilance so that he may answer the bathroom questions that keep you up at night.  Questions such as...

What is this rash and where did it come from?

Why is Charmin so linty?

Dear God, the smell.  What has Uncle Jerry been eating?

Is that pepper or a dead bug stuck in my toothbrush?

How long has that hair been growing out of my chin?

Who the hell put the new roll of toilet paper next to the holder instead of on it?

Should I lay off the guacamole?

and finally...

Why didn't someone tell me that Sam the Super Sleuth was made of yarn so fume absorbent that after just one week we'd change his name to Sam the Stool Sample?