A Threadbared Epic: "Barbie & Ken - Living In A Crocheted Paradise."

Ken thought it was just great that Barbie had taken up crochet. The den accessories that she gave him made the whole room seem so warm and cozy.

The lacy bedspread she crocheted was a little feminine for his taste but she seemed so proud of it he thought "What the heck!"

And then there was the boxing gym she made for him:

And the weight bench that came next.

The knitted workout outfit itched like hell but it certainly did a good job of absorbing sweat! 

She even did up a little aerobics studio for herself.  One thing Ken had always appreciated was Barbie's desire to keep herself in top shape.

She made a sexy party dress to wear out dancing one night. Rrrrrow! Ken couldn't believe how crafty Barbie had become!

He felt a little gay in the London Overcoat that she made that fall but didn't want to hurt her feelings so he indulged her by wearing it a few times.

He was about to snap though, the day she made him put it on and walk around that damn Tudor Village.

And then....well, things started to go downhill a bit.  Like the night of the big Halloween party when she showed up wearing this:

Or the matching outfits she made them for the Yesterdays Festival. God, he'd never felt like a bigger simp.

Then there was the long weekend that she holed up in the attic and refused to come out. She finally emerged wearing a new creation and Ken felt just a little bit scared by the wild look he noticed in Barbie's eyes.

Christmas Eve. That was an ugly scene that he tried to forget.

Spring finally came and Barbie got out in the garden to work. Ken was glad to see her concentrating on something other than the crochet. But he couldn't help thinking how incredibly unflattering her knitted overalls were.

That was when he realized something very unsettling. Barbie was crocheting everything now. Even the Belgium waffles at the breakfast table that morning had tasted a little...fuzzy.

He urged her to drop the crochet and get back to some of her old hobbies.

"Remember, how much you liked to drive around town in your pink Corvette?  Or riding up and down the elevator of your Dream House? Barbie, honey, you used to ride horses! And scuba dive! You were a veterinarian at one time! You ran for President! You used to be an ASTRONAUT for crissakes!"

She was quiet for a while after that. One day she came home and told Ken that she had taken his advice and gotten a new pet. A sweet little doggie. Did Ken want to go for a walk on the beach with her and doggie?

After that Ken started to hit the bottle a bit, he hung out in smokey bars and flirted with middle-aged divorcees with frosted hair.  That Midge had been after him for years and suddenly she wasn't looking too bad. Anything to get out of that crocheted hell.

Unfortunately for Ken, Barbie had other plans.

Boy, did she.

Good luck Ken! You're going to need it.

Comments

[ieatcrayonz]

The last bridal gown looks suspiciously like my daughter's diaper after a few red faced grunts and several hours without a change.

I can hardly laugh because it's more like a train wreck. It's so gruesome, but you can't look away.

Knitted boxing gloves? He's not going to get very far with those unless he's fighting crochet dog in the ring.

I have to admit though, the cocktail dress was hot.

[kphiker]

what are those two things on the floor next to the punching bag? love her victorian wedding dress, her beach outfit, and crocheted weights.

Victorian Bride Barbie could pass as Stepford Bride Barbie.

[jes]

it's a jumprope by the punching bag!

[kphiker]

oooooohh, a jump rope -- makes me wonder how many other things in life i miss.

[David]

My gawd! I can't even bring myself to make any snarky quips. It's just all too much. Too too much.

[Kathryn]

Hee hee!!!! You had me at fuzzy waffles, and then her fuzzy little puppy was just too much.. I snorted. I'll admit it.

Poor Ken.. No wonder they got a divorce.

[Mary]

Jump rope! I was hoping it was two lumps of crocheted hamburger meat strung together.

[Lili]

My God. The last wedding dress looks like a toilet-paper-roll thingie my grandmother used to have.

makes you wonder why Barbie finds crocheting so much more interesting than she finds Ken...

[Krista]

Look at Barbie's face in that last bridal gown. She looks like she's in pain as if the bottom of the gown is a mushroom cloud and her legs are slowly melting into the floor. But she Must. Keep. Smiling...

[Anna]

I agree with Kathryn - Ken through all of this for her, and then she decides they should "just be friends"? What a beast! At least she has her new puppy to keep her warm at night... and miles and miles of crocheted blankets.

[Laura]

Ah! Hahaha! It's so beautifully horrific! Poor Ken, I can see why he hit the bottle.

[Deb]

Hey, leave Barbie alone !! The woman has talent. Bet you don't have the slightest idea of how to crochet a lampshade. Ken is a typical male. Poor barbie crochets her fingers to the bone and what does she get for all her efforts? Ken hitting on skanky women in bars. Barbie, I hope Ken is wearing those condoms you knitted him. Anyway girlfriend, you don't have to put up with his ungrateful attitude anymore. Take those crochet needles and shove 'em up his a** !! That should put him out of commission for a while..~wink ~ ~wink~

Love the Barbie Ken Epic.This is the best yet. You outdo yourself.

[Elaine]

Even *I* could lift those crocheted weights!

[Alissa]

HILARIOUS! Love your work! And the reader comments really add to it, especially the crocheted condoms!!

[Harmony]

Hahahaha, very cool :)

[jac]

I can't get over Ken in that Yesteryears outfit. How do you get a plastic doll's shoulders to SLUMP like that?

[Hazel Harding]

Hi, My first time on here and I was pleasantly surprised at the good humor. Sounds like a soap opera Barbie and Ken thruout the year. lol
Got some great ideas while on your site also.
Thanks again to my sister Bev. ([email protected]) for getting me going at your site. Will definitely be back.

[Pirate Wench]

I collect Barbies, so this stuff made me pee in my pants laughing. Every once in a great while, someone will gift me with something similar to this heinous crap, and it's all I can do not to bitch-slap them.

(Yes, I collect Barbies. I'm a freak. Mock me at will.)

[Sonia]

ohhh you are fabulous!!!

[Erin]

That last wedding dress reminds me of Celine Dion's: http://img194.exs.cx/img194/554/celinewedding1lo.jpg

[Brenda]

This is sooooo funny and soooo what I have always thought of some of the knitwear for Barbie. Love this!!!

[neko]

"How do you get a plastic doll's shoulders to SLUMP like that?"

You make him wear a ghastly crocheted Hans Brinker outfit until he disintegrates into a cone of abject, wretched shame at the loss of his manhood. And then you photograph him so he can always have the memories.

[Rabbitch]

Oh my. I think I just hurt myself trying not to spit beer on the keyboard.

Again.