Threadbared

In The Immortal Words Of Navin Johnson....."Take A Chance And Win Some Crap!"

Two years ago today we started threadbared.com. Hooray! And because it's our birthday and there should always be presents when there's a birthday we'd like to offer our extremely awesome readers a chance to win an extremely awesome Threadbared Prize Pack.

All you'll need to do is take this little quiz below....

How Well Do You Know Your Threadbared?

If you'd like to participate just leave your answers in the comments. The quiz will remain up until midnight (EST) on Tuesday. The winner will be the commenter with the most correct answers. In the event of a tie the prize will be awarded to the person with the most correct answers who commented first. In the event of multiple people commenting at the exact same time with the exact same amount of correct answers there will be a dance-off. Or possibly a cage match.

Some of these answers can be found in the blog archives. Some can't. If you don't know the answer just take a wild guess. That's how I got through my SATS back in high school, it totally works!

Please note: we will be moderating comments for the next two days. All quiz entries will just be sent to our email address, they will not appear on the site. Non quiz entry comments will continue to appear as normal. Oh, and if you take the quiz please be sure to use some sort of name (not your real name necessarily, a screen name is fine). Annoymous entries will be discarded.

Now go put on your thinking toques and take that quiz!

There's A Reason Why The Word "Macrame" Rhymes With "Scare Away."

Here at Threadbared, we're all for creativity when it comes to macrame. The medium naturally lends itself to artistic expression.

But!

Sometimes things can get a bit out of hand. We're not saying you have to stick with safety projects such as owls and plant-hangers. We just suggest that you exercise caution in your knotting pursuits. You don't want to induce nightmares or frighten schoolchildren, do you? Of course not!

And so we present:  The Threadbared Guide To Macrame Safety!

Tip 1:  Please avoid any High Priestess-style headdresses that resemble something from The Dark Crystal, possibly making you look like the Dying Emperor of the Skeksis.

Tip 2: Please avoid  macrame footwear that looks like a page torn from a "Diseases Of The Skin" medical textbook.

Tip 3:  Please avoid that whole chainmail-clad warrior-slash-beekeeper look. 

Tip 4:  Please avoid any "head veils" that look less like a veil and more like a group of teenage cooties that are on an Outward Bound excursion and are currently rappelling down the back of your head.

Tip 5:  Please avoid any backpacks that look like some Phish-worshiping hippie spontaneously combusted across your shoulders and you just left it there.

Tip 6:  Please avoid any National Geographic/African Village style bras that make you....oh, for God's sake. Do we even have to explain this one?

Just no.

Just don't, okay?

A Public Service Announcement From Threadbared.com

Meet Sharon.

Sharon has a problem.

Can you guess what Sharon's problem is?

For many people, accessories are a fun way to jazz up an otherwise plain outfit. A stylish belt to go with one's pants, a pretty handbag to wear with one's dress. It's all in good fun. For others, however, accessories take on an entirely different meaning. They can become as destructive as any other addiction and result in an embarrassing nightmare for the accessorizer and their family. This is referred to as compulsive accessorizing.

Compulsive accessorizing is defined as "excessive" and "out of control." As with other addictions, the accessory addict continues to pile on accessories in the face of adverse consequences. Sometimes referred to as "accessorholizm," compulsive accessorizers can create massive financial, marital and family problems. The addiction can also result in numerous fashion faux pas.

Behaviors That May Indicate A Problem:

• Accessorizing as a result of feeling angry, depressed, anxious, or lonely.

• Having arguments with others about one's accessorizing habits.

• Feeling lost without accessories - actually going into withdrawal without jewelry, bags, belts and shoes.

• Describing a rush or a feeling of euphoria with accessorizing.

• Feeling guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed after an accessorizing spree.

• Thinking obsessively about earrings or brooches.

• Lying about how many accessories one has on. For instance, owning up to wearing four belts but lying about six additional belts worn under the clothes.

For those of you who have identified with three or more of the above, there may be a problem. Take a moment and count the number of belts you are currently wearing. Now check the number of shoes you have on.

If you feel that, like Sharon, you may have an accessorizing problem we at Threadbared are here to help. Please send any extraneous jewelry, designer handbags, cute shoes and/or belts to Mary & Kimberly  c/o Threadbared.com in Atlanta, Georgia.

My Hands Are Already Tired and I Haven't Even Gotten to the Fat Pants Section

I'm totally digging this idea of using the magic of needlepoint to clearly define each item of clothing in one's closet.  I mean, sure it could be time consuming to needlepoint a closet full of hangers, but take a look at that hanger at the top.  What do you think hangs on that hanger?  Is it Aunt Betty's bingo skirt?  Is it the whore dress that makes Grandma sweat over her rosary every time Janet wears it to Whiskey River?  Is it Mom's mom jeans?  No, clearly it's Adam's Coat.

This clarity of closet inspired me to work on some hangers for my own stuff. Here's what I have so far:

Come Sail Away With Meeeeeeee!*

I'm sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board, I'm the captain, in my crocheted jerkin
My fashion ensemble, it needs some reworkin'
And I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of crocheted vests and the times we've had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow no one else seems...to like my clothes
But we'll try best that we can...to caaaaaarry ooooooon!

A gathering of crocheted belts appeared around my torso!
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they bellow!
They said come sail away, come sail away!
Come sail away with me!
Come sail away, come sail away!
Come sail away with me!

*With apologies to Styx.

Everyone At The Country Club Was Starting To Have Second Thoughts About The New Tennis Pro.

"Like wow man, did you ever think about what a tennis ball really means, man? It's like, this cosmic orb, you know? And we just hit it, you know what I mean? Like, why are we being so aggressive towards a hollow yellow ball, man? Is it because we're all hollow inside? Whoah...this is like blowing my mind here.

I mean, we need to get back to nature, man. That's why we're were practicing out here in the field today, you know? Because it's natural. Because we need to be one with our court. We need to be one with the cosmos and one with the tennis ball. Oh man, this is like the grooviest job I've ever had, man..." 

Brenda's Friends Can't Help But Feel Intimidated Sometimes.

"Goodness! That Brenda sure is on the ball. I can barely leave the house with my shoes and handbag matching and here she's gone and coordinated her whole living room with the outfit she has on."

"I know! And she does it all with such effortless ease too!"

"Effortless ease - that's exactly what I was thinking! Now do you see why I never invite Brenda over for coffee at my house?"

Watch Out Boy She'll Chew You Up....

Suzanne knows that if she remains motionless for a long enough time she will eventually trap her prey. She will quickly enshroud him in her woolen yarns, thus quieting the death struggle. It is then that Suzanne will feed, sucking only the liquids out of her prey, leaving behind such indigestible materials as watches, belts and tube socks.

Threadbared Cleans House.

Hello! We'll be back with a new post tomorrow but first, may I please direct your attention to the handy dandy Ebay button to the right of this post?

Yes, I've been cleaning out my office and therefore I am thrilled to present you - yes YOU - with this exciting opportunity to buy old patterns! That's right, old patterns can be yours for the low, low price of fifty cents and up! Genuine old patterns! Guaranteed to smell vaguely musty!

"But Mary," you might be thinking. "Why in the world would I want to buy this stuff, these patterns that serve only as fodder for your mocking? Aren't they like, you know, all dumb-looking and stuff? I don't want to look dumb! Dumb is soooo out for 2007!"

Well, gentle readers, do you how often we get emails asking us where one might buy patterns for a crochet steering wheel cover or a macrame owl pattern or instructions for a life-sized pantyhose doll? Let's just say nothing surprises us anymore.

Also, while some of the patterns for sale might be a little...uh...questionable many others are in fact quite lovely. A lot of these patterns never made it onto the site or in the book because they are just too nice-looking. And the models don't look weird enough. And no one is holding a rubber duckie as a prop.

These Vogue Knitting booklets are particularly beautiful examples. And the Sunset Craft books are great, especially the Soft Toys book which has seriously cute stuff. Is it too early to start thinking about Christmas? Yes? Okay fine, how about Halloween?

If you might be interested in any specific pattern that's been on the site or in the book please email me and I'll let you know if it's up for grabs.

In order to avoid being inundated by hundreds of emails though - I'll go ahead and mention that this pattern is unfortunately not for sale. Sorry guys....

And The Award For Best Art Directing In A Knitwear Catalog Goes To....

Pauline Denham.

Yes, her again. The Pauline Denham of Little Tops Fame.

Time after time Pauline continues to impress us with her choice of hairstyles, makeup, posing and most importantly...props. Oh, and themes too. Like me, Pauline is a gal who enjoys her themes.

Can you spot the theme of this booklet from the cover?

Take your eyes off the model's Cinnabon-inspired hairdo for a second and look down at the bottom left corner. "Fairy Tale Book."

Oh dear.

Ta-daaaaa!

It's your fairy godsomething!

"I get three wishes? Well, first I'd like to pose beside a large fake pumpkin while wearing a mohair suit...."

I think there's supposed to be something about the Three Little Bears here but the model is totally not having it.

Oh look! It's...Little Green Riding...no, that's not it.

It's...it's..Robin Hood?

The Green Lantern?

I'm so confused right now.

Is there some fairy tale I'm not remembering? About a woman who fell deeply in love with a tree branch and lived happily ever after?

Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your...knitted coat with the enormously oversized buttons!

Once upon a time in a land far far away...Dr. Zaius chose a very special pattern model to help lead the revolution.

"And then one day the ugly rubber duckling turned into a beautiful latex swan....awww."

The End.